Separated at birth?
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Gordon Brown Likes Packages
Gordon Brown IS the PackageMaster
It apppears our Great Leader and his band of minions apostles have a very strange fetish - for packages.
It’s quite obvious to anyone who’s had at least one eye on political happennings for the last year or so. No act of the government is announced on its own any more - they are all part of packages. The alleged cut in VAT that may be announced in the pre-budget report? That’ll be part of a broad package of measures. When something bad happens, the typecast ‘annoying spokeswoman with strange accent and oddly-timed words’ will always be trundled out to tell journalists that they are ‘working with the community to put together an appropriate package so that we can invest in community services’ (i.e. they’re getting some old, fat, obscenely rich people together in a council chamber and making a quick, drunk decision before they go back out on the pull).
Of course, the Dear Leader may be the one orchestrating this package-fest, with his ministers obsequiously doing up the strapping and slapping on the FRAGILE label. Maybe Gordon subscribes to Packaging Digest, and reads it after a bad session of Prime Minister’s Questions.
Or maybe, just maybe… he’s scared of unilateral approaches, because even though they may work in practice, they look bad politically.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
HATE MAIL!
You know you’ve made an impact in the blogosphere when you get hate mail about something you’ve written. I am hereby deemed to have made an impact.
I’m afraid to say that William Hanson isn’t the most snobbish man in Britain, but you are. Your judgmental typecasting of this man clearly shows you to be the epitome of inverted snobbery and arrogance. Just because this young man has got off his backside and actually tried to do some good in this world, preaching the simple practise of being nice to one another doesn’t mean that you have to immediately judge him for being something that he is not! Have you ever met William Hanson? I think not, whereas I myself have and you will find that he is the most genuine, humble and well-meaning man around. Just because your ego is so offended by a teenager acting more maturely than you don’t get on his back. You should be ashamed of yourself. When people start criticising those people who want to change this world for the better, I despair.
Well, consider this to be my rebuttal.
- The way he behaves in public, i.e. by lecturing people on ‘manners’ (in reality, anachronistic nonsense from Victorian days) seems to be treating those who don’t have the time to follow ancient table layout codes from the Renaissance (or who have simply acknowledged that we are in 2008, not 1898) as inferior. True, I don’t like bad grammar (if I see an apostrophe out of place my blood pressure increases twofold) but I try to nicely nudge people in the right direction.
- Describing me as immature is a bit of a cheap shot - how else am I going to describe him? Am I to demand that he attends a formal debate on etiquette?
- Being nice to one does not equal not putting the bread knife on the plate. Being nice to others involves… well… being kind to them.
- Calling me the most snobbish man in Britain because of a simple blog post is very inaccurate: Brian Sewell would, of course, be next, after Hanson.
But wait! There’s more! The message came from one ‘James’ at hansoninc.co.uk - the Hanson family’s own web site. This demonstrates that
- the commenter can hardly be trusted to give a balanced opinion of Mr. Hanson, being (presumably) related to him - I have no problem with giving him a chance to express his opinion, but he’s in no position to call me the most snobbish man in Britain
- whoever built the web site can’t even spell the word gallery with the correct number of letter Ls. Now, doesn’t iWeb (yes, I recognise it as an iWeb template) automatically put the word ‘gallery’ in with the correct number of Ls? If not, that’s quite a major bug.
In the interests of free speech, ‘James’ hasn’t been sent to the killfile. Yet. If he continues prattling, he may well be. Whump. The idiot has now been sent to the killfile, for a long, long list of crimes.
edited at 2039GMT: this is turning into a very interesting saga. The guy’s now resorted to sending e-mail - I may publish the conversation as an example of how to win an argument.
edited at 2245GMT: War is over. James has now apologised: I may (if I’m feeling kind) remove him from the killfile tomorrow. If not, then would readers please still note that he has now apologised for his behaviour. I shall publish the conversation tomorrow as a post-mortem. Anyway, thank you to James, and, in the words of F. S. Catus, c. 8000 BCE-date: ‘I CAN HAZ SLEEP?’
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Who’d make a better VP than Sarah Palin?
There’s no denying that Sarah Palin is mad, and having her a heartbeat (or a cessation of) away from the Presidency is a truly ghastly thought. So who would we prefer?
Well, I’ve devised a short list of people who I think are wore qualified for the position than Ms Palin. And here they are, in reverse order:
Lord Sauron demonstrating how well he connects with Young People by 'showing off' his taste in 'bling'
Number 3: If McCain is to find a partner who can connect with both the older and the younger generation, he may want to pass on this suggestion for the Dark Lord Sauron. Obama, of course, already has Joe Biden to speak for the younger generation. However, I can certainly see that Lord Sauron would deal with the US’s financial worries: just annexe Switzerland and take their money.
He may also gain some street cred, with his fasionable bling and the fact that he has starred in quite a popular wideo game and film franchise. However, with a 5,800-year-old personality like his, there’s always a risk that the power could go to his head. He’s done it before, but Lord Sauron has since been rehabilitated to overcome his power-crazed delusions.
Mr. Davros would have a policy of free stairlifts for all
Overall, a better choice may be my second candidate, who is a little less well known: a Mr. Davros of Skaro. Hecortainly has good policies: I particularly like his championing of the rights of the disabled, having promised free stairlifts for all, be they human, android or rolling robot. He would also certainly be very good at containing any insurgency in Iraq or Afghanistan (he pioneered the Dalek™ Automatic Extermination Device) and would laugh off a threat of war with Russia.
However, the same concerns are cropping up with Davros as have Palin. With him a mild shock away from the presidency, how do we know that he’s not going to implement his other views (including the annexation of the UK, Ireland, Europe, Asia, Africa, Antarctica, South America, Mexico, Canada, Australasia, Antarctica, Mars, Mercury, Venus, the Outer Gas Giants, the Kuiper Belt, and the rest of the local group)?
Evidently, my search for the perfect vice president was turning out to be more difficult than I had anticipated. However, it was not long before I had an epiphany on the subject.
MCPO John-117 (right) launching his campaign. The campaign slogan is 'Tomorrow Will Be Better Than Yesterday'.
I therefore put it to you that Master Chief Petty Officer John-117, of tho Halo series of computer games and books, is the ideal Vice President of the USA. It may seem mad, at first, to elect a cyborg with possible blood relations to Top Gear’s Stig, but think about it. He’s:
- got a spotless war record
- idolised by hundreds of thousands of young people
- well known
- got plenty of sex appeal (that armour creates an aura of mystery, which the ladies and gay gentlemen simply adore)
- got socialist, Marxist ideas that America needs in these times of economic recession
- going to keep his mouth shut when he retires: instead of being noisily embarrassing like Clinton or Bush Sr., he will retire to a quiet part of Cornwall in England, only reappearing to present Countryfile and exercise his new hobby as an amateur sleuth
- human
- not a baddie
- not Sarah Palin
Case rested. Supersoldiers serving 500 years in the future would be better as Vice President of the USA than Sarah Palin.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Microsoft’s New Ad Campaign
Yes, it appears the Borg have dumped Seinfeld. And the Beastmaster. A shame. I was rather warming to them. Well, no I wasn’t. I was warming to Bill Gates’s presence. Not Seinfeld’s.
Either way, they now have a new campaign, which is clearly a dig at Apple’s Get a Mac campaign. Put simply, a man who looks like PC Guy stands in front of the camera and says “I’m a PC, and I feel persecuted. Wah wah. Give me a cuddle, Mummy.” (OK, I made that last bit up.) Then we see other people saying they’re also a PC.
Not only this, MS actually wants you to help with its new ad campaign, allowing you to submit a short video explaining what sort of PC you are. Clever. I therefore propose this script.
Hello, I’m a PC. And yes, I am this slim, I’m not using TV trickery. Fat PC’s off sick. Again.
I feel persecuted. Not because of anti-Vista snobbery - in fact, I dislike Vista. It’s slow and puts too much of a strain on my resources. I mean, a 128mB+ of graphics memory for the compositor? Come on!
I feel persecuted because no-one makes drivers for Linux. That said, if I get the right drivers (which is, to be fair, pot luck) I’m way, way speedier than Vista. I also play nicely with Mac. We’re cousins.
Now naff off and blend your Vista DVD.
Fickle, no? I take cheque or cash, Monkey Boy…
Saturday, September 13, 2008
There’s nothing like nerd humour
There really isn’t. Have a gander at this little item which was sold on eBay for £8,050 plus 99p postage and packaging:
Large Hadron Collider for sale.
I was building this in my back garden. I had dug a tunnel 100 feet down and joined it up to the local sewerage pipe which runs for 27 km around the village.
I was hoping to start the experiment this morning but due to being beat by the Swiss I no longer need this Item.
This Item is untested and should only be installed by a qualified electrician.
WARNING. The seller will not be responsible if this is not correctly installed as there is a risk of black holes apearing and a possible end to the world.
Grab yourself a bargin from 99P No reserve.
Due to the weight (200 tons+ )I will be unable to post this item.
Buyer to collect and remove from site.
Only one other Collider like this in the world!
Then again, there’s more. Such as a black hole from CERN’s collider on sale on eBay: apparently the ‘last one in stock’.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
What MPs do in their summer holidays
I have made perhaps the most revelatory discovery in the history of British politics: I have conclusively discovered where MPs go during the Parliamentary summer recess.
It seems obvious to me that they tried to mask their identity, but they weren’t fooling anyone: it was a particularly bad move for them to choose to be in the audience of a Saturday night primetime lottery show hosted by Tess Daly. However, with proper behaviour, their presence could have been masked: instead, they foolishly behaved in the same way they do in the House of Commons, thus revealing their identity.
Parliament spotted in the audience for The National Lottery: This Time Tomorrow. Their presence is obvious with the shouting and the waving about of pieces of paper. © BBC 2008 - used fairly for critical analysis under UK law.
Gotcha.
Have Your Say: Vote in the Poll
[poll id="3"]
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Caption competition
I’m likely to post little over the next week or so, as I’ll be in Devon, quite inconveniently, and how much I post depends entirely on the density of 3G coverage.
In the meantime, to liven things up a little, let’s have a caption competition!
Original image by ElinorD on Wikimedia Commons. Modified under license. An octopus in a zoo, discerningly eyeing the photographer.
Submit your entries using the comments form below. Entries should be in by 6pm on Friday, and by Sunday I should have chosen a winner. If I’m not feeling particularly stingey, that winner might obtain something more tangible than a small quantity of kudos.
